Sunday, October 12, 2014

Sunday Confessions:When is enough?

I often find myself wanting to accomplish more. 

No. I need to accomplish more. I always feel like I have something to prove, whether it be to my parents, my friends or even people on the Internet. However, I have come to realize.. who the f$%*# cares?!! 

The only person I need to prove anything to is myself. I catch myself thinking that I need to do more, and no matter what I achieve or gain, it's never enough. This is wrong. 

That's when it hit me, it will never be enough. How much is enough? Even the great Rockefeller said that all that makes him happy is just one extra dollar. 

I think the key is to be happy with myself. I need to realize that what I'm doing is my personal best and I need to stop comparing myself to others. 

A few minutes ago, as I started to write this blog post, a friend of mine, who I have not spoken to in a few years, sent me a message with an old photo back from when I was 17. It was during one of the happiest and careless times in my life. It was one of my favorite summers. It was when my best friend, Alena, and I were inseparable. We made some new guy friends that summer who were seriously into soccer, which was fun. We watched their soccer tournaments and games all summer. We were their cheerleaders. 

This one particular tournament was one for the books, where hundreds of people came out to play for the champion title. Of course, as luck would have it, our friends had won the cup. 

The photo had all 7 of us lined up after the ceremony. 3 girls, 4 guys. It was the peak of summer so all of us were bronze skinned and happy. My best friend was so happy back then, something she hasn't been in a while. It was during that summer when we spent every waking moment together. Looking at the photo you can tell the boys were exhausted, but still managed to go out with us afterward. 

In the photo, I was 17 but definitely didn't look like it. I'm wearing new coral Juicy zip up, short, light denim shorts, grey vans and a shell ankle bracelet from Hawaii. It was my favorite accessory that summer. My hair is much blonder and I'm clearly bigger, around 50lbs heavier. I was leaving over and doing a kissy face towards the trophy.

From what I remember, I was so self-conscious of my weight that summer. I also couldn't stop thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew is that I was going to be a damn successful lawyer. I was so worried and in a rush to grow up. 

But now looking at it, it's one of the best memories I've had. I just wish I knew it back then. Looking at that photograph makes me realize how far I have personally come and how much I have over come. My worst break up, my eating disorder, my depression, hatred, bitterness, frustration, and discipline. That photo is only 3 years old but I feel infinitely older. It's like I'm a different person now. 

So how much is enough? It's never enough, but being thankful everyday for what you do have is a start. 

"It is wrong to assume that men of immense wealth are always happy." John D. Rockefeller